| Almost a year |
[Mar. 4th, 2007|09:43 pm] |
My god, I haven't been on here for almost a year. But I was just reading back at some old posts and it was good to remind myself of what I was up to at that point in my life. So I guess I'd better put something else down for when I get back here in 2008 :oD
Where to begin? I was just reading a post where I was talking about moving to Scotland. I didn't make it that far. I got out of Liverpool but only just across the river really. I bought a big Edwardian semi in Prenton and I can sit in it and hear Tranmere Rovers play football not quarter of a mile away.
I'm still in the same job, unbelievably. I'm hanging on in at the web commerce coalface to bolster my CV. Life is still a whirl - I have a daughter now who's 4 and a half month's old. She is amazing. Much cleverer than her old man it has to be said. We walked around Ikea yesterday (we needed some curtains) and I carried her so she could have a good nose around. She was interested in everything, and I mean EVERYTHING. The facial expressions she pulls are those of an adult I swear...
PhD? Well, that's become more complicated. I'm plodding on through it still - I had all 8 chapters written in draft form, and 6 of those 8 are now finalised. I need to rework the other 2, finish off the introduction I've started and write a conclusion. Problem is, I lost a bit of motivation when Gracie arrived and now my tutor has buggered off to live in New Zealand. So I'm being passed around some other people at the moment who are much less keen to supervise me than he was. So we shall see how painful the next few months get...
Books? I'm reading Please Don't Come Back From the Moon by a first time author and it is great. I'm also buying up all the Banned Books that the Independent is promoting at the moment. I've read half of them but it just looks like such a cool collection I can't pass it up.
Music? Disappointed by the latest Red Hot Chilli Peppers album. Like The Kooks. Not bought much in the way of new stuff recently.
Films? Saw the latest Bond film which was ok. Watched The Black Dahlia and thought it was absolute tripe. HATED it. Went to see Hot Fuzz at the cinema and liked it, but it wasn't as good as Shaun of the Dead.
Anyway, that's me right now. Busy and tired and frantic as usual. I have some holidays booked at Easter so I'm going to decorate some parts of my house. The living room needs painting (it was damp coursed when I moved in and the plaster is still bare at the moment), and Ange's daughter's room is next on the list. I did Gracie's nursery and it looks great, even though I do say so myself. So it's makeover time for the second of our four bedrooms. I'm just not looking forward to laying the laminate floor - it just takes so goddamn long (about 2 weeks on and off in the nursery).
Anyway, time capsule full. Catch you later Schiller. |
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| How long? |
[May. 1st, 2006|09:08 pm] |
How long has it been since I was on this site? It seems like forever. Life is just a whirl. I expected time to move faster after I hit 30 but not so fast I can hardly keep up.
Ok, so what's happening? I have a new(ish) job. And I'm enjoying it more than any job I've ever had. Problem is it's with a web commerce company so is probably the most unstable job I've ever had at the same time. So god knows how long I'll be here. People keep getting sacked for making small mistakes that the MD just can't live with it seems so I guess it's only a matter of time for us all. Myself, two Project Managers and the new Product Manager I've been working with have a sweep on which one of us is going to be the first to not make it to the end of our probationary periods. Which is a shame because for probably the first time in 10 years I could actually see myself staying here for longer than my maximum 2 years :oD
What else is going on? I'm in the middle of a second attempt at divorce. This time my ex begged me to start it as she wants to get married again. Which means, presumably, she won't hold it up and block things like she did last time. She's back from Canada and working/living in London with her fiance. He sounds like a nice bloke and is treating her well enough it seems so I suppose I can finally stop worrying about her. I'm also in the process of buying a house, my first since selling the one I owned with Kerry and the first one solely in my name. It's not in Liverpool. I'm not moving as far away as I wanted but am at least making it to the other side of the river. I'm most likely moving in in about a month. Also, my new partner (well, same partner for 2 years, but new in the sense that she isn't the one I'm getting divorced from) is pregnant and this time everything is going well. We have the 20 week scan in 2 weeks and will find out the sex of the baby at that point. To say I can't wait is an understatement. I'm gonna be a father at last. My mum and dad are completely losing it over the propect of their first grandchild.
PhD is still going. I completed chapter 7 out of a total of 8 about 2 weeks ago. It was by far the hardest thing I've written so far. Tortuous progress on that at the moment. But I expected it to get difficult now I'm so close to the end - running out of things to say is the main problem :oD Am waiting on my second publication still - an essay in a book on Brautigan which comes out in the Summer.
So, everything is stressful but seems to be going ok at the moment. Only downside is that I've put about 3 stone on due to illness/long working hours/general busyiness stopping me from going to the gym. That's next on my list. Get back into a training regime and stop being a fat bastard again.
And the usual artistic summary:
Films - god, I haven't seen any for ages. I watched Intacto again the other night and Amadeus, both still as good as I remember. But nothing new in forever. Last thing I saw and liked was Sin City. So it's been old favourites all the way.
Books - I haven't been reading much either which astounds me, but true it is. I'm reading Snowblind at the moment by Robert Sabbag and I'm enjoying that.
Music - not too bad in this area. The new Vines cd is great, also at the moment I'm listening a lot to Editors, Massive Attack (reminding myself of how great they are), got the new Supergrass cd which is great. Am waiting anxiously for the new Red Hot Chilli Peppers album and so badly want to go and see them on tour again. We went to see Depeche Mode recently as Ange is a big fan. I'm much less of a fan but I have to say they were superb live. Highlight for me was Enjoy the Silence - but only really cos I knew the words and the section of the crowd we were in had a blast on the chorus...
Anyway, that's me. Back from the dead, but for how long...? |
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| Just Another Average Friday |
[Oct. 14th, 2005|10:23 am] |
What an odd couple of days this is turning out to be. Yesterday, I was driving in to work and suddenly the sun came out as I was coming to the end of the M55 and it felt like a great black shadow had suddenly dropped away from me. I was awake, alert and ready for work in a way I haven’t been for the longest time – probably 18 months or so. And I had a great day at work. I got loads done, got engaged in a load of issues I hadn’t really seemed to get my head around or my motivation up to address. And I found a HUGE defect in the system we’re about to release in 2 weeks. Which, admittedly, is not good news as such but a) it will save some weighty embarrassment now that it’s been spotted and b) it can only have a beneficial effect on the esteem the rest of the project have for me as a competent BA – something that was seriously damaged by the way I was managed when I joined the team.
Anyway, I spent last night when I got home putting padlocks on the shed and the back gate and fitting hinges to lock them through. Our neighbour was broken into the night before and they used my spade (stolen from my shed) to force their window open. And I was a bit on edge after that so I was up and prowling around the house all night every time there was the slightest noise. So I’m a bit tired this morning. But I was driving in and listening to Desert Island Discs which had Michael Winner on it. I’m not a huge fan of him because, let’s admit it, he’s a bit annoying. But he came across as a very genuine bloke, very self-depreciating and really quite funny. I laughed out loud a few times. But then, just as I was approaching the front gate, they started playing one of his selections – Beautiful by James Blunt – and I just burst into tears. Bizarre. I don’t know why. Angelique has said that song reminds her of me (there must be a verse I haven’t heard about ageing, balding, moody ego-centrics) but I don’t think that was why. I mean, I love the song and it is quite emotional but that’s a pretty damn extreme reaction. I had to drive past work and park up in a country lane until it passed. Which it did in about a minute, and now I feel fine.
Sometimes I do wonder about the state of my mental health :oD |
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| Quick update on my 3 monthly cycle |
[Oct. 13th, 2005|01:48 pm] |
Gawd, where to start? Life is STILL a complete fucking blur. Work is so busy I usually get home about 8 o’clock every night. The weeks are flying past in a whirl of requirements, jobcentre Contact Management Systems, teenage angst from Ange’s girls, uni work and family commitments. The weekend’s I usually sleep and do some of the mountain of things on my to do list…
Things have to calm down soon. Surely. This can’t go on forever. Can it?
Anyway, I have an idea for a new writing project. It’s gonna be called ‘Bad Haircut Blues’ in honour of the GOD AWFUL haircut I’ve just had inflicted on me. And it’s gonna be about the last 2 years I’ve just had – from the rather strange relationship I had with someone at work who went off on one; the breakup of my marriage; the even odder person I worked with after that first one who was probably the most odious, ego-centric, smart arse I’ve ever met; and on right up the present day (almost) and the guy I saw commit suicide off a bridge last week. So a comic epic then… Well, tragic-comic…
I’m almost tempted to write about this guy I worked with now. But I won’t. I’ll save that for the project. Suffice to say I hate people who think they have the world and everyone around them all sussed out. And playing fucking games with people because you’re a self-confessed voyeur is possibly the criteria that would make me want to kill you, slowly. Anyway, enough of that prick.
Updates, updates, updates…
Music – Odd. Watched the Dylan documentary about 2 weeks ago and remembered how much of a genius that guy is. So have been listening a bit to Dylan. Got hold of some Dave Van Ronk who is one of his oft-cited influences and he’s ok. Wanted some Odetta but couldn’t get anything by her anywhere. New music – The Subways, Robert Post and Stephen Fretwell (who I also saw live recently and for the first time in a long time was struck with this feeling of seeing a future superstar just about to become HUGE – think Dylan with a Mancunian accent). Also got hold of a tribute album of Tim and Jeff Buckley songs. Best ones on there are by The Magic Numbers and, yes, Stephen Fretwell…
Books – nathin’. I finished Scar Tissue which turned out to be excellent after a very ropey start. Since then nothing apart from theory books for uni. I started a book by Mark Radcliffe but didn’t like it, and have started The Ballad of the Sad Café but that has failed to grab me too…
Films – Not much. Watched The Station Agent again which was a superb as I remembered. Whale Rider likewise. Jan de Florette the same. The only new film I’ve seen that I loved was Sin City. Took me about 20 minutes to get into it, but when I did I started to realise it’s a bit of a classic. Am going to see the new Wallace and Grommit movie this weekend come hell or high water…
PhD – Going ok. Hit (yet) another block last month but seem to have gotten past that now again. Am writing the chapter called ‘Blue Whale Movers’ which is about the influences of Surrealism on Brautigan’s work. When I finish this I have a solid block of 6 chapters to go over and edit/rework. After that there’s 1 more chapter planned with an intro and conclusion and then IT IS DONE. It all sounds so easy, when in reality this rework and final chapter/intro/conclusion is probably the best part of 2 years’ work…
Work – Odd. Good days and (very) bad days. Just hanging on in to be honest at the moment. Have applied for 2 other jobs just to keep my hand in. One of them looks promising but it depends a) if I get it, b) what money they part with, and c) whether or not they’ll hang on until the New Year for me. I want to do a full year’s service at IBM for the sake of my CV. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 20th, 2005|02:41 pm] |
Ok, so according to Quizfarm I'm gonna get so depressed I'm gonna poison myself. Funny, I always saw myself going down with a piece of bread lodged in my throat, a la Mamma Cass. (I dunno what it is but I have a narrow throat - it looks like one side of it is permanently enlarged if you look down it through my mouth - and I'm always choking on bread). Maybe I could combine the two and choke to death on a bagel soaked in Hemlock :oD I knew those sandwiches at Coffee Republic looked a bit ropey...
Anyway, as a side note, my manager has just pointed out to me that I have a really bloodshot eye. I noticed this myself last night just before I played football. It had gone down a bit by this morning but now seems worse than yesterday - ie. is now effecting both sides of the iris. The other eye is looking a bit suspect too, but not quite so bad. So I'm either exhausted (which is true incidentally) or I'm having some sort of annurism. Cool. It's gonna be a race to get that toxic croissant down my neck. Place your bets people...
Update - my eyes are miraculously back to normal. Bizarre. But I seem to have subconsciously acquired at my desk a syringe and a large plastic vat of bleach. Hmmm. Maybe I could lick pencils until I pass out? |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 20th, 2005|02:40 pm] |
MY GOD, it gets worse. It's a good job I really don't take these things seriously....
| You scored as Unipolar Depression. Congraulations! You are depressed! You know just how it feels to bear all the world's burdens, and the value of a 19-hour night's sleep. And you really hate that circle-guy thing on your Zoloft pill packets.
Unipolar Depression | | 92% | Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder | | 58% | Eating Disorders | | 42% | Borderline Personality Disorder | | 33% | Schizophrenia | | 17% | Antisocial Personality Disorder | | 8% | </td>
Which mental disorder do you have?
created with QuizFarm.com |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 20th, 2005|02:23 pm] |
I KNEW it :oD
Of course, I have no idea where to get hold of a pot of arsenic. Looks like it'll be back to Ebay again...
 | You scored as Suicide. Your death will be suicide. What more can I say? Fact: Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. If you want to know hwo you will commit suicide, take a look at your second highest percentage on the bar graphs.
Suicide | | 100% | Posion | | 93% | Gunshot | | 73% | Disappear | | 67% | Stabbed | | 60% | Bomb | | 60% | Eaten | | 60% | Disease | | 47% | Suffocated | | 40% | Cut Throat | | 40% | Natural Causes | | 20% | Accident | | 7% | Drowning | | 0% | </td>
How Will You Die??
created with QuizFarm.com |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 18th, 2005|05:28 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | The Magic Numbers - Forever Lost | ] |
I haven’t posted in ages. Mad mad times. I sold my house and have spent the last 3 or 4 weeks clearing it out. Finally moved into my new place about 2 weeks ago and have spent the intervening time unpacking and taking rubbish to the tip. Still haven’t finished but am almost there.
Bought myself an electric violin at the weekend. Yes, that’s right, an electric violin. I was going to get a guitar but then saw these cool things and got that instead. I reckon, well, I PLAY the violin, I’ve played the violin for over 20 years, I know 6 chords on the guitar. In the long run, what am I gonna get the most use out of? I bought an amp and an effects pedal so I can get some really cool sounds of it. Of course, what I’ll probably do now is also buy a cheap guitar cos I’ll talk myself into it, already having the amp, the leads and the pedal :oD I know myself too well :oD
Uni. Yeah, my thesis is really coming together. I now have 5 chapters written, almost 40,000 words:
1. The John Lennon of the Hippie Novel
2. Pastiche and Postmodernism
3. A Postmodernist Model of Time
4. Historical Romances and Gothic Westerns
5. [not written yet – but will be called Blue Whale Movers]
6. Zen and the Art of Richard Brautigan
I’ve also today written to Ianthe Brautigan, Greg Keeler, Keith Abbott and Michael McClure. All key individuals who knew Brautigan personally. So that should give me some original material to reference – stuff that isn’t already published and out in the public domain. Add onto that the stuff I got from his personal papers in April and it’s starting to look like I’ve taken this seriously and done some proper research.
Chapter 1 is about the counterculture, chapter 2 (rather obviously) postmodernism. Chapter 3 carries on from chapter 2 but looks specifically at time in Brautigan – it warranted its own section. Chapter 4 is about genre and Jungian theories of the unconscious. Chapter 5 is gonna be about Surrealism and the use of comedy, and chapter 6 is about Zen Buddhism. Just one problem – WHAT THE HELL COMES NEXT?????
I don’t know what comes after Zen Buddhism. I thought maybe sexuality but that’s as far as I’ve got. No firm ideas or plans just yet. But then I’ve panicked like this every time I complete a section and wonder what’s next and it’s always materialised from somewhere. So there’s hope yet…
Work – shite.
Music – not bought much: The Magic Numbers and James Blunt, that’s all. Both pretty good but not world shatteringly so. Am waiting for the new Red Hot Chilli Pepper’s album – since John Frusciante stopped releasing his solo stuff every month I’ve gone cold turkey…
Health - hard to say. No swollen glands but have been hit with a constant barrage of stomach bugs and stress-related disorders. Some days fine, other days really not so fine at all.
Fitness - APPALLING. I've put quite a bit of weight on :o( No gym for ages now but am playing football again once a week which is keeping me out of an early grave - although only just. I swore I'm going back to the gym this week. Now I can't be arsed but it WILL happen. Wednesday or Thursday.
Books - haven't read any (for fun that is). It's all about the uni work at the moment. Theory, theory and more theory.
Films - haven't seen any for ages. Last thing I saw was Closer about a month ago, and that was the first thing I'd seen in ages. But it was FANTASTIC. |
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| Back - and it's like I never went away |
[Apr. 29th, 2005|03:53 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | The Killers - Smile Like you Mean It | ] |
Well, back from the US, back to work, back to the tedium that I was just about hanging on through when I knew I was going away. Why is it that you go away for a week or 10 days or whatever and then suddenly your life looks a lot less interesting when you get back? Am struggling on through anyway. Will be going somewhere else in August time for a week - dunno where yet - and by then I'll need it because I will have been through the sale of the house and moving (again - GOD I hate moving house) and all the heartache that is going to entail.
Uni work is back on track though, thank god for that. I was really stuck in a rut there for a while. Anyway, my chapter on genre suddenly snapped into focus while I was at the conference in Portland babbling on about my research in front of a room of people. (Well, only a few people really). Also, the structure of the entire thesis suddenly fell into place - up until now it's been distinct chapters which kind of relate but suddenly it dawned on me what the overall argument is. So have written 7 pages of chapter 4 in 3 days, it seems to be going well, it looks like it's going to link chapters 3 and 5 together (which I was beginning to think I was never gonna do) and I've written part of the introduction to the thesis. Things are looking up. All I have to do now is read 6 genre novels of very dubious quality, write another 15 pages and I'm over half way through my PhD. Laffin. It all sounds so easy when you say it out loud :o$
Ok, quick summary now 'cos I want to go home.
Work: Shite
Health: Still poor, but getting better. Glands up and down from day to day. But have hit upon a containment plan that works - limited alcohol, no cigarettes and plenty of sleep.
Fitness: Atrocious - no gym now for about 6 months and have been putting weight on again. But if I can get the glands to stay down for 2 weeks I'll start it up again. Am playing football on Tuesday so that's a start.
Uni: Overview as above.
Films: Haven't seen any.
Books: Apart from uni books, haven't had the chance to read any. Am still battling through the Anthony Keidis autobiography at a very slow pace.
Music: Better. Have been listening to Kaiser Chiefs, The Bravery and The Killers. My tutor lent me Anthony and the Johnsons which is a bit odd but is kind of growing on me. In an odd way. With its oddness. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 31st, 2005|01:37 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | Same as before... | ] |
I realised I mentioned America and I ain’t mentioned it before. Okay, really (really) brief summary.
There is a conference in Portland University on 15th/16th April and one of the discussion panels is on Richard Brautigan. I’ve been planning for ages to go to California to see the personal effects and papers on Brautigan in Berkley so it seemed to make sense to combine the two things. Here is my agenda for the 10 days I’m there in the US:
Friday 08/04/2005 FLY: Manchester to Los Angeles
Saturday 09/04/2005 Free Day: Los Angeles
Sunday 10/04/2005 DRIVE: Los Angeles to San Francisco
Monday 11/04/2005 STUDY: Berkley
Tuesday 12/04/2005 STUDY: Berkley
Wednesday 13/04/2005 Free Day: San Francisco
Thursday 14/04/2005 FLY: San Francisco to Portland
Friday 15/04/2005 STUDY: Conference
Saturday 16/04/2005 FLY: Portland to San Francisco
DRIVE: San Francisco to Carmel
Sunday 17/04/2005 DRIVE: Carmel to Big Sur
DRIVE: Big Sur to Los Angeles
Monday 18/04/2005 FLY: Los Angeles to Manchester
Tuesday 19/04/2005 ARRIVE HOME
It took a lot of planning and a lot of internet usage (flights, hotels, car hire etc.) but am now really really looking forward to it. 7 days to go. Whoo-hoo. Whilst in San Francisco I'm gonna do what I always do and go to City Lights. But also am gonna follow this walking tour I have a book on about Beat sites. Am staying around the corner from Brautigan's Geary Street apartment and desperately want to see that... |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 31st, 2005|01:25 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | John Frusciante, and The Killers (Smile Like you Mean it) | ] |
Well, I spent last night compiling a cd of John Frusciante songs to listen to in America next week. The drive to San Francisco from Los Angeles and back down the coast through Big Sur needs some serious tunes and Frusciante remains my absolute favourite at the moment. I should have been working on my thesis or finishing the short story I want to submit to the BBC competition, but instead I got Liverpool through the semi finals of the Champions League on the playstation and listened to music. Anyway, the compilation takes stuff from 6 of the 7 albums he’s released in the last year (I’m not too fussed on the Ataxia one) and sounds on listening back to it like the album of the decade:
Carvel
Every Person
Wednesday's Song
Song to Sing When I'm Lonely
In Relief
Cut-Out
An Exercise
Unchanging
The Mirror
Wishing
The Will to Death
The Afterglow
Communique
At Your Enemies
Interior Two
Dissolve
A Corner
The Past Recedes
Lever Pulled
Ascension
Time Tonight
Other news? I sold my house and Angelique is today looking at a place in Chester that we might want to rent together. I don’t want to buy anywhere else just yet as we’re sticking to the North West while her daughters do their GCSEs (about a year to go until that’s all done and dusted) and then maybe move further afield. I’m still keen on Scotland – preferably Edinburgh or that neck of the woods. Kerry texted me from Vancouver and made me feel terrible. Which means I’ve spent the last 2 days on a real downer. She regrets us breaking up – shit, so do I – but is beating herself up about it a bit which just makes me feel like scum. And then I took it out on Ange a bit by dredging up something that happened when we first got together. Like I can somehow get arsed about things that happened before we started seeing each other. Jesus, I was married at the time for god’s sake. What it was was she kissed some bloke we worked with in a pub and he hassled her to go back home with her and she refused because of her kids and the fact that kissing someone in a pub when drunk is one thing, taking them home is something else. I was stressing about it because her version of the story didn’t match the bravado this guy came out with when bragging about his conquests to me a few months later. And deep down I know what it was all about, and really it doesn’t matter what happened – like I said, it was before we got together so none of my business. But I think being stressed just forces all this stuff up to the surface in me and I was freaking about not being told the truth because I feel stupid when other people know things that I don’t. Anyway, we talked it out and it’s all sorted, even though I managed to upset her. But I explained it wasn’t an accusation, that it didn’t matter one way or another what happened, I just wanted to make sure that I wasn’t being spared details when I’d much rather have the truth. Anyway, it’s all cleared up and we promised we’d always do the truth thing, no matter how difficult. Which feels like progress to me because I’ve always had to skirt round things before, letting them build and build, which is one of the reasons I think why I’m now getting divorced and why I was so ill last year.
So yeah, my house is sold. So I could be out of there in about 8 weeks. Which is a good thing and yet I feel really cut up about it too. Was out in my garden last night thinking, “this is gonna be someone else’s garden”, the Japanese trees I planted will be their trees, the gravel pond, the water feature. All the effort I put in and now it won’t be mine anymore. But I suppose I’m bound to feel that way. 4 weeks ago I didn’t care, but then I hadn’t lived there for 9 months. Now I’ve settled back in very quickly and it’s not easy. But life goes on. I’m getting there one bit at a time. I’m just glad Ange tolerates me really… |
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| Desert Island Disks |
[Mar. 18th, 2005|04:23 pm] |
This is what I meant to put up in here. Since driving to Lytham St Annes every morning, I've taken to listening to Radio 4. I know that makes me sound ancient, but it's really good. You get a good, intelligent mix of news and current affairs, sometimes a bit of arts and culture thrown in. And I've been listening to Desert Island Disks every Friday morning (well, half of it, 'cos then I arrive at work and have to switch it off). I thought you could only pick 3 records, but it seems more like 10. So I've been working out my 10 records (and you have to mix popular stuff with classical and jazz and world to obviously make yourself look more cultured :oD)
The Smiths - There is a Light that Never Goes Out
Tim Buckley - Sing a Song for You
Mozart - Requiem - Confutatis
Nina Simone - Love Me and Leave Me
Bob Dylan - Subterranean Homesick Blues
Massive Attack - Safe From Harm
Mendelssohn - Violin Concerto
Tom Waits - Ice Cream Man
Buena Vista Social Club - El Carretero
Nirvana - About a Girl
That would shake it up a bit I reckon. This mornings show had Stephen Poliakoff playing You Can Go Your Own Way by Fleetwood Mac. Something that surreal just reads like a challenge to me :oD |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 18th, 2005|03:09 pm] |
Bizarre. I reactivated this so I could post a comment and to check up on some communities I was in. Didn't expect my content to all still be here. The 30 day rule obviously isn't that well policed then...
Ah well, I may as well do a brief update then. Am working for IBM - 3 months in (2 months into my first consulting assignment) and it's going ok, but is pretty intense. Long hours most of the time and a pretty unsympathetic bunch of co-workers. It's pretty much sink or swim, if you don't know something you'd better learn it quick cos no-one else is gonna show you.
I'm back at my house (whoo-hoo). Kerry moved to Vancouver about 4 weeks ago and is right now embroiled elbow-deep in her film course. She seems to be enjoying it which is a huge relief for me because now I feel more like we did the right thing in breaking up. The house is still up for sale (the market has slowed down soooo much) but I'm living there until it sells and then will be off to another part of the country, probably not too far away just yet but ultimately I wanna live in Scotland and Paris (not at the same time you understand :oD - Scotland cos it's just a lovely place, and Paris for a year maybe, be great if I could get an assignment out there with IBM - my main stumbling block at the moment would of course be my appalling French).
Uni work is plodding along. Have been so busy with work it has suffered a little bit but am still pretty much on target. I finished that chapter on Zen Buddhism and am now tying together the history/time theme to the Buddhism via a chapter on genre which is trying to argue that genre acts as a microcosm of the human pysche, and not just the individual psyche but the collective, generational one which keeps going beyond people's individual mortality. Also (and this is the good bit) I am off to the US in 3 weeks on a research trip. There's a conference in Portland (Oregon) in April and there are 4 people there talking about Brautigan. I couldn't really miss that, so I've combined the other bit of research I've been planning for a while and am going to LA, San Francisco, Berkley, up to Portland, back down the California coast through Carmel and Big Sur and then back to LA. A whistle-stop 10 days. But I'll get to see all Brautigan's personal papers at the Berkley library (as well as some unpublished manuscripts), I get to attend a conference which will be a chance to bounce some ideas off other people, also get to meet a genuine Brautigan scholar who I've been in correspondence with for a while but have never actually met, will get to see SF again (which includes the now obligatory visit to City Lights as well as a walking tour of the places Brautigan lived and hung out), finally get to see Big Sur and just get away from work and all the crap that's been going on in Liverpool for a good solid chunk of time. I really can't wait. I have to put some CDs together for the drive through the desert. Am thinking a mix of John Frusciante and Tim Buckley...
Music. Have bought LOADS. Unfortunately, not much of any real outstanding note. I got the last couple of John Frusciante ones which remain brilliant, also the new Feeder album which is great. Then there's a secondary batch of decent (but not really classic) stuff: Athlete, the Killers, Longview, K.T. Tunstall, Jah Wobble.
Aw bollocks, I need to go. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 7th, 2004|12:23 pm] |
This is probably gonna be my last post cos I decided I'm gonna shut this down. LiveJournal is one of the things that came out of the bizarre 18 month period I've just been through and I've been offered the chance to really move on from that and so I think it's gonna be one of the casualties, along with my job and my marriage and my house and, well, pretty much everything.
I got my offer letter for the job with IBM that I've been having interviews for and I'm DEFINITELY gonna take it. 5 grand payrise and a company car and the chance to work up and down the country on the company's expense - all sounds good to me. We have some interest in the house so if we get an offer that means Kerry can move to Canada as per her plan in January/February. That means that my funds are freed up to buy myself somewhere new to live and everyone can move on. At the moment we're caught in some abusive holding pattern whereby things are all very civil (though a bit sad) for 3 weeks then we have seven days of hell whereby I get abuse from just about every angle. So me not living in Liverpool and her living on the other side of the Atlantic sounds like just about the ideal situation to me...
At least my new relationship is going well. There are restrictions about where we can live and what we can do because of the ages of her kids - they're at GCSE age and can't really be moved from their current school - but we can work around that. It's only for another year or so anyway. For now I'll probably be away most of the week anyway and back for weekends. But that gives me time and space and her too - maybe we can grow into the relationship that way more than having been thrown into the thick of certain issues because of the whole pregnancy thing.
But yeah, I'm happy about the new job. Kerry kept the car when we split so I have been pretty hampered by that - I still pay the insurance for something I never drive and have been hoofing it around on foot and public transport for 6 months now. So a car in the deal is a big thing for me. Had some fun yesterday picking what I wanted from the list. I'm down to the big three - Rover 25, Volkswagon Golf, Skoda Octavia. The Octavia is actually the best looking car (it's the only saloon of any real note on the list - well, that I wouldn't have to contribute extra money towards) but I think I'm leaning more to the Rover because of the interior. I used to like the Golf but I think the new design is a bit boxy. Heh, it's nice to be superficial once in a while...
Anyway, like I said, I think I'll be shutting this down. But I'll still probably check in with some of the people on my friends list from time to time to see what they're up to. This is my garbled explanation as to why and then I might remove the journal in a week or so. So cheerio folks, good luck to y'all.
PS What the hell happened in the election? |
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[Oct. 6th, 2004|05:09 am] |
Yesterday was the best day I’ve had in a long time. And it may sound odd when I explain why but I’m gonna try to...
Basically, I went to a funeral. Angelique lost the baby during pregnancy so the funeral was for him – he became entangled in his own umbilical and it eventually starved him of oxygen and killed him. This happened about 2 weeks ago and so the whole intervening period has been a bit of a blur, from the news itself through the trip to the hospital to be induced into labour to the service yesterday. But everything went off so well. The service was lovely and even though it was upsetting it made everyone – Ange and her family, my family – all feel so much better about the whole thing.
There were a few things that really struck me which is why I wanted to write this down really. The first was that when we arrived at the crematorium there was a full rainbow right across the gardens there which seemed really prophetic. I’m not a particularly religious person but the Reverend who conducted the service was such a nice bloke, really down to earth and compassionate and understanding. We named our son Gabriel because it was one of the boy’s names we liked and he talked about how it was such a fitting name, the figure of Gabriel appearing so consistently in a lot of different religions – always as an angel or a messenger of god, never seen but always delivering his message. That really touched me for some reason. Then we had some music that we’d picked – Beethoven’s Moonlight Sonata, a Maria Callas recording (I think it was of a Verdi aria but I don’t remember which one) then a slow movement from a Mozart piano concerto. Mozart is my absolute favourite composer of all time (Beethoven is Angelique’s) so it all seemed really fitting.
Anyway, afterwards we all went for a drink. There were only seven of us – myself and Ange, my mum and dad, and Ange’s mum and two sisters. And despite the circumstances and everything everybody just got along really well and it was nice just to sit and chat for a while about different things. Then a really odd thing happened, a bit of a coincidence. As we left the pub a bird shit on me. Seriously. That hasn’t happened to me in god knows how long. The coincidence was that the exact same thing happened to my dad at my nan’s funeral a few years ago. My mum is a bit superstitious so she believes it was a sign that my nan is going to look after the baby – I’m a bit sceptical about that but it did seem an odd thing to have happened. And to me rather than anyone else there. But anyway, afterwards we went home and had a sleep because we’d been up so late the night before and then we had to go and buy my dad a present for his birthday today and when we left Ange’s house there was another rainbow – another full one spanning right across the road.
So a day of signs and coincidences yesterday. And even though the service was a bit upsetting (Gabriel’s coffin was absolutely tiny) it really seems to have helped everyone to move on, which can only be a good thing.
What a year this has been. I have to go round to the house tonight to pick up some things I need for Friday – I have an interview down in London to work with IBM as a Business Consultant and I want to take some example work with me. Kerry seems to be coming to terms with the break up a lot better now but I still dread seeing her sometimes because things can swing so quickly back the other way. I still get a feeling of intense sadness when I think about what we used to have together and how it all somehow drained away, and I still feel bad that it was me who ended it and how I’ve already moved onto a new relationship while Kerry hasn’t. But so much has happened what with the pregnancy (it was a tad unexpected) and then everything that’s happened since that my brain just seems to have shut down a little bit on that side of things, almost like it just can’t concentrate on all these feelings at once, and as a consequence I’ve become much more distant and remote from Kerry than perhaps she expected so soon, more than perhaps I expected.
Final news is that my grandma (my dad’s mum) was rushed into hospital Monday and underwent an emergency operation from which there is only a 50% chance of recovery. She is still under sedation at the moment because they’re trying to minimise the shock that her system will receive when they revive her, so we’re all waiting on that too right now. I’m not actually that close to her – she’s my last remaining grandparent but I have just never really been included on that side of the family – I feel really bad though for my dad. It’s his birthday today too and what a miserable time to have it: the day after the funeral of his only grandchild and potentially the day before some more bad news. I think it’s fair to say we are all waiting for 2005 with baited breath... |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 31st, 2004|09:00 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | Prodigy - Spitfire | ] |
Phew. I haven't posted in a while but on reflection, neither has anyone else. Maybe there's something in the water.
Anyway, I have big news, HUGE news. But I can't share it just yet. There are reasons. Even though I'm busting with it.
Instead, I'm going to give in to the inexplicable urge I have to link all my photography posts together in one place:
Sci-Fi & Surreal Photos
Japan - B/W
Japan - Colour
Misc Photos
Paris & Coombe Abbey
There WILL be some new photos soon, I promise. Am gonna get my arse around Liverpool one evening and finally get that old chestnut out of my system...
And now some inane drivel about music:
I only managed to retrieve about 65% of my CD collection from the house when I moved out so that cull I was talking about was kind of enforced on me. But I have been making amends with the acquisition of a wide range of new music:
The Prodigy (the new album, I forget what nonsense name it has)
Kellis
Pearl Jam (the new live acoustic one)
Jeff Buckley - Grace
(the Legacy edition with a whole CD of unreleased tracks on it - ooooh yes)
Ataxia - Automatic Writing (I remember the name of this one, but that's cos John Frusciante RULES)
And some other bits 'n pieces. Like The Jesus and Mary Chain and some of the Smiths back catalogue I was missing. |
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| News |
[Aug. 31st, 2004|09:23 pm] |
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OK. My news is that I'm gonna be a father. It's complicated but I am very very happy :o) |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 3rd, 2004|10:33 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | The Kings of Convenience | ] |
I'm reading a set of essays on Zen Buddhism because I finished my thesis chapter on the postmodernist model of time and am moving into the transcention of time and history now!!?!? Which means some deep and heavy stuff by Jung, Hegel, Heidegger and Nietzsche. And then on into Buddhism. Or maybe the Buddhism comes first and then those other blokes. I dunno yet. Anyway, you can always count on a fantastic quote and Suzuki is no exception. I love this:
there is nothing in existence that will absolutely maintain its individuality standing above all conditions of relativity or mutual becoming - in fact, being is becoming.
It's the last bit I like. Probably because it's so apt. Everything keeps moving on.
In other news I watched the entire second series of Six Feet Under, bought a Misfits album I used to own when I was 15 but lost, bought and watched the Richard Prior Standup DVD, have narrowly avoided several reoccurances of my illness, reread The Hitch-Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy for fun after digging it out for the teenage daughter of a friend, and have been getting used to being alone. Things are never quite as daunting as they seem when you just knuckle down and do them.
I bumped into Kerry at the gym today. It was just really awkward. But I was strangely comforted by the fact that she seemed more uncomfortable than upset. I suppose that constitutes some sort of progress.
Tomorrow I give another induction presentation in work. My last one didn't go so well. I struggle with public speaking - am getting slowly better though. Last time I was enthusiastic but scuppered myself by having a terrible terrible presentation I inherited from someone who had left the department. This time around it's been rewritten so it should be better. Besides, I know half the people in there so I will undoubtedly relax more. |
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[Jul. 19th, 2004|10:29 pm] |
This is supposed to be cathartic right? So here's a copy of an email I sent to a friend who asked me what was going on. Seriously, don't read it. This is livejournal right? So I suppose this is me whining to myself. I just wanted to keep this somewhere for future reference.
( Fucked Up Email )
PS Yeah, I forgot, I'm definitely leaving town. Have decided this one now. If I stay here I'm still gonna get the three phone calls a day. Kerry is going to be wary of bumping into me in town, is going to be constantly thinking about things and their resolution, and I need her to move on. I desperately need her to move on. I have to move on and if I do I can't do it here - if I start to see this other person then that can't really happen in an environment where I'm looking over my shoulder all the time. That isn't fair on her. She's tied to Liverpool for another 10 months, but that doesn't mean we can't do a long distance thing. She can be where I am for short periods and I can be where she is for short periods without anyone knowing I'm back. It makes sense. So far I've applied for jobs in Edinburgh, London, Berkshire and Maidenhead (is Maidenhead in Berkshire? - I dunno, I've been there once and it seemed ok...) I'll miss this place though. |
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| Garbled Nonsense (& Morrissey) |
[Jul. 12th, 2004|04:18 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | The Distillers - Drain the Blood | ] |
I never really know whether this is gonna be my last entry or not. Everything is so up in the air at the moment I can't tell where I'll be in a few weeks' time, or a few months', or days even...
Yesterday was possibly THE low point of things so far. Am still staying with my parents and Kerry came round (uninvited - we've been doing the trial separation thing for about 2 weeks or so) and started screaming at me on the doorstep. She'd opened my mail (again) and gotten the wrong impression (AGAIN). So it ended with me moving pretty much all my stuff out of the house. Only a few books left there now - and the furniture and fixtures which are arguably half mine. Then I went to see Morrissey last night in Manchester. We were supposed to go together but obviously THAT didn't happen. And I had a fucking miserable time. It was cold, rained a bit, the support bands were shit with a capital SH and everyone else there was in a couple/gang of friends. I was on my own, with no room for drunkenness cos I had to drive home and a spare ticket I failed magnificently to shift. At least Morrissey was good - a few old Smiths songs, a few old Mozz songs, and some of the better ones from the new album. So that cheered me up a bit.
Anyway, today started even worse. Kerry got the phone number of this friend of mine who she was still suspecting I'd slept with (grrrr - how many times I have to say it I don't fuckin' know) and started bugging her at home. She almost upset one of her kids when she got her on the phone so I was pretty goddamn livid. But (BUT) after telling her she was out of order she's admitted some pretty hard home truths about herself and we have finally decided to go our separate ways. We're gonna sell the house and separate properly, with a divorce probably to follow later. I am gonna move out of Liverpool - I think physical distance will help too - and she is probably gonna go back to university full time (in Sheffield) to pursue this film career of hers. By mutual consent we've agreed that neither one of us was happy with how things were. We had definitely reached an impasse where we just wanted such different things out of life but felt held down by the other, both of us hating the life we were living. So although I took a lot of shit for starting things off I think now it's starting to be realised that I only did what she was perhaps too frightened to do herself. Well - it feels like mutual consent right now but these things have a habit of swinging I've noticed. So we shall see. But right now I feel better than I have since all this started, and kinda worse at the same time!!?!?!? |
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